Crucial Conversations – Highlights and Takeaways from the Book
Having recently read the book Crucial Conversations for some upcoming client work, I have summarized my takeaways from the book below:
Crucial conversations are moments when three things occur simultaneously:
Stakes are high
Emotions are strong
Opinions vary
These are important factors to consider because relationships can be easily damaged by toxic emotions and dysfunctional behavior. If you recognize these three pieces and follow the lessons in the book (and therefore this blog), you can ensure these crucial moments become forthright conversations.
That said, in many cases, when these moments show up, we tend to do one of three things: avoid them, handle them poorly, or handle them well. Many times we handle them poorly because of The Fool’s Choice.
The Fool’s Choice
A common trap is what the book calls the Fool’s Choice: believing you have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. You choose the word “or” because doing both is too difficult.
The better choice is asking yourself: How can I be 100% honest and 100% respectful at the same time? This requires using and, not or. If you think about it, you can always be honest and respectful, especially if you use lessons from the book noted below.
Are you having the wrong conversation?
Even when wanting to be honest and respectful, we sometimes default to choosing the Wrong Conversation.
We often pick the wrong topic:
Easy over hard – choosing something we can “win” instead of addressing the real issue
Recent over right – focusing on the latest behavior instead of the pattern or the one behavior that matters most
There are three signs you’re having the wrong conversation:
Your emotions escalate—you’re frustrated that the real issue isn’t being addressed
You walk away skeptical, thinking nothing will actually change
Déjà vu—you feel like you’ve had this conversation before
The goal is to unbundle these things and simplify them so you can choose the right conversation.
One way to adjust to ensure you’re having the right conversation is the acronym CPR:
Content – the specific issue at hand
Pattern – how it keeps happening and is a pattern of behavior
Relationship – how this pattern of behavior impacts trust or connection
This may sound hard. That’s because it is. Many of us will default to vagueness because things are less scary when we keep them vague—but progress requires telling yourself the truth about what you actually want to say. And while you’re having these conversations, you can also pause. If a conversation goes somewhere you didn’t expect or aren’t ready to go, put a bookmark in it and come back later.
Start With Yourself
The mindset the book suggests is work on me first, us second because the only person you can work is yourself. This mantra can be helpful when you feel threatened because it can encourage you to pause and ask yourself: What do I really want?
It may be hard to do this when adrenaline takes over, as our motives flow with the chemicals our body produces. If you can, pause, reflect on your behavior and work backward, asking yourself:
What do I really want for myself?
What do I really want for others?
What do I really want for the relationship?
Remember that people who are great at dialogue don’t suppress their emotions, rather they think them out. By doing so, they can reflect on them and possibly choose emotions that allow them to exhibit better behaviors.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
We create feelings by adding meaning to what we observe. Any set of facts can support an infinite number of stories. Once we tell a story, it starts to control us—this is how we climb the ladder of inference.
The ladder of inference, which I first learned in a leadership development class I taught many years ago, explains how people can use a selection of data to make inaccurate assessments and beliefs. In short:
We select data from the available pool of information.
We create a story from that data and generate assumptions.
We draw conclusions from those assumptions.
We create beliefs based on those conclusions.
We take actions based on those beliefs.
Here is an example of this in a plausible reality:
You are a supervisor and one of your direct reports, Joe, has shown up late to work three days in a row, despite having been on time every other day of the year. You create a story that something Joe has lost his motivation for work. You assume he doesn’t really care about his job anymore and decide that he’s not going to work hard going forward. You believe that Joe is probably already looking for another job and decide to terminate him on your terms.
In reality, Joe’s mother has been sick and he has been caring for her in the mornings. He was too ashamed and sad to tell anyone, hoping no one would notice his tardiness.
Hyperbole? Sure. Plausible? Absolutely. We have all been in situations where we have looked at a select group of facts, rather than the whole story, that leads us up this ladder of inference.
We often ignore facts that contradict our story. When that happens, we create clever, self-serving stories that let us feel good about acting badly. These stories omit crucial information about us, others, and our options.
That’s why it’s important to recognize that we’re selecting this data and that other people will have different stories from the same set of facts.
It is important to pay attention to the emotions you feel during the story and the words you use to describe your emotions. The more responsibility we take for the stories we tell, the more nuanced and effective our emotional responses become.
Spotting Crucial Conversations Early
You can often spot a crucial conversation that is happening or about to happen through:
Physical signals – recognizing what’s happening in your body
Emotions – you begin to feel fear, hurt, defensiveness, or anger
Behavior – One or more people raising voices, finger pointing, or becoming silent
By recognizing these, you can focus on creating safety. When people feel safe, they can say anything. Dialogue requires the free flow of meaning, and nothing kills meaning like fear.
Be sure to watch for silence or violence:
Controlling – A person begins forcing their way of thinking
Attacking – A person seeks to win the argument by making the other person suffer
Note on in-person, virtual, or nonverbal messaging: A better data stream gives you more to work with, so choose the medium that provides the most bandwidth when a crucial conversation matters.
Safety Comes First
People don’t get defensive because of what you’re saying—they get defensive because of why they think you’re saying it.
Safety exists when:
You care about their concerns (Mutual Purpose)
You care about them (Mutual Respect)
Humans want to be listened to and understood, so seeking mutual understanding is often the best Mutual Purpose.
Mutual Respect is like air. When it’s there, no one notices. When it’s gone, it’s all anyone can think about. Disrespect often shows up when we focus on how others are different from us; it’s restored by looking for similarities.
Therefore, you can rebuild safety by:
Sharing your good intent
Apologizing when appropriate. A sincere apology requires giving up saving face, being right, or winning.
Using contrasting to fix misunderstandings . “What I’m not saying is ____. What I am saying is ____.”
Creating Mutual Purpose and demonstrating your care about their concerns, using the acronym CRIB:
Commit to seek Mutual Purpose
Recognize the purpose behind the strategy
Invent a Mutual Purpose
Brainstorm new strategies
Even when you disagree, you should assume there’s a third option you can both support.
Speaking Your Truth (STATE)
Speaking your truth is an important piece of crucial conversations because it is the way in which you share your worldview with others. There are best practices for doing this. The first three bullets are what you do, while the final two are how you do it.
Share your facts (and acknowledge they’re just your facts)
Tell your story (without piling on)
Ask for others’ paths (“How do you see it?”)
Talk tentatively, with humility because you don’t own the entire story
Encourage testing—invite disagreement and respect the courage it takes to speak up
As you speak your truth and people start resisting you, check your intent: How would I behave if this is really what I want?
When Others Shut Down. AMPP it up!
People may avoid dialogue because they believe being honest will hurt them. Stay curious and patient and use the acronym AMPP:
· Ask - I’d really like to hear from you about this. What’s going on?
· Mirror - You might be saying one thing but your body language suggests another. Here’s what I’m seeing.
· Paraphrase - Summarizing what you heard to ensure clarity of message.
· Prime - Taking a guess at the root cause. This can be a dangerous thing if not done correctly, so be careful and be very tentative and humble.
Remember that sometimes people need time for their emotions to catch up to the safety you’ve created, and that’s okay! Give them the space and time.
Agreeing Without Arguing (ABC)
It’s very possible that you agree with someone else more than you think you do, so it’s important to recognize that and not turn agreement into an argument. If you do, you can recognize the agreement or build on it by adding something else. If you don’t agree, you can say, “I see things differently. May I describe how?”
That’s the acronym ABC: Agree, Build, Compare
A few concluding thoughts from the book
Feedback and the “Pen”
“Retake your pen” means remembering that you define your own worth…you create your own story. If you retake your pen, you define your story. If you give your pen to others, you let them define it.
Feedback
In general, feedback tends to hurt when it threatens your safety or your self-worth. With feedback that may be jarring:
Collect yourself by breathing
Be curious and ask for examples
Recover and take time if needed
Engage and find the truths that resonate
Turning Conversations Into Results
Things fail to turn into action when:
Expectations are unclear
Decisions aren’t followed through
To remedy this, drive results with the acronym WWWF:
Who
Does what
By when
How you’ll follow up
Then, summarize decisions, define next steps, and set the follow-up.
